


Falling

by horsefacewriter



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Depression, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, psychiatrist!levi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-10 02:57:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6936481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horsefacewriter/pseuds/horsefacewriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren was beyond hope, being sent from psychiatrist to psychiatrist without getting any help, and only getting worse. Until one day he meets one who's willing to make a difference.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling

**Author's Note:**

> some, or a lot, of inaccuracies in how treatment and such works may occur because I have no idea of what I'm doing, and tbh that isn't really the center theme of this so :^) 
> 
> enjoy

Eren felt like crying.

To cry and let it all out, all the emotions built up after so long with trying to suppress them. But no tears were coming. His eyes were as dry as ever but the tears were still threatening to fall. There was nothing to do, nothing would bring any sort of satisfaction. Living was too bothersome and disappearing was even more so. Maybe some sleep would relieve him of this unsatisfied feeling? Sleep, the pleasure of not being conscious but being able to come back to the land of the living at any given time, if so was desired. The problem with sleep wasn’t awakening, but actually falling. Sleep isn’t something that will come whenever you need it, sleep has its own life and is often avoiding him. They had a toxic relationship, Eren and sleep, rarely seeing each other and when they did it wasn’t for the best. Nightmares leaving him more exhausted than he was before and a proper sleeping schedule was non-existent. That’s was his lot in life, the small things that was somewhat enjoyable was out of the question and fucked him up more than they helped.

Why wouldn’t the tears come?

He had every right to cry. The past week, or so he thought, had been utter shit and a phone call took away all happiness he’d mustered to collect for himself. The world that had started to look slightly brighter came crashing back down, and down he went with it. There was no helping it. It would happen sooner or later with no one there to catch him or even just make his fall less painful. There had been one. One who always was there to pick him up and show him a clear blue sky. But that was long ago and the sky has never been that blue after that. 

Eren started to take in his surroundings. Noticing that it’s gotten dark outside again while he was sitting curled up in the corner of his own bed. Everything was eliminated in the bleak light that the city outside provided, making the world appear almost black and white before him. It might as well have been. It was cold in the room, but he made no move to change it. He just stared into nothingness, feeling his legs being numb from the awkward position. He made no move to change that either. Feeling sort of accomplished over the fact that he could actually feel something, even if it was dull pain.

Time didn’t seem to move at all, or it was moving so fast that he didn’t even notice it. There was no way he could tell what time it was or how long he’d been sitting there. Just staring at nothing. Time, he though, was like the earth spinning. You know it is moving but you just can’t feel it. Even if you concentrate really hard you can’t feel the terrifying speed that you’re actually travelling through space with. Time scared Eren. It was all just an illusion, no one could really know what time is or if there is any at all, because if there was one it should be possible to turn back time, to turn things back to when the sky was blue.

Eren missed the blue sky. Missed the warm breeze blowing through his hair and the feeling of warm rays of sunshine against his skin. A huge smile present on his face. He never smiled anymore. He just didn’t know how to do it. Whenever he tried it turned into a pained face that expressed anything but happiness. It’s like happiness had seeped through his fingers like grains of sand, and he didn’t have the power to hold it. Now it was gone, no one smiled anymore.

He was sitting there silently, listening to the sound of the outside world. Hearing cars driving pass, people walking and chatting under his window. He couldn’t concentrate enough to hear what they talked about, wasn’t interested enough. He shut the sound out again.

What day was it? He didn’t know, didn’t care enough to know either. Eren leaned his head back against the cool wall, feeling hopelessness taking over his whole being. If only he could cry and get rid of it all. But no tears would come, no matter how hard he tried to make himself to do so. To just feel would be nice. Instead of just being unable to do anything and sitting staring into nothingness.

His phone started buzzing, probably someone calling, but Eren made no movement to even check who, or what, it was. It wasn’t important. Nothing really was anymore.

                

* * *

 

**3 years earlier**

 

This wasn’t his first meeting with a psychiatrist, and definitely not the last one since he still had over a year left before he turns 18 and could decide for himself on his treatment. He knocked on the door to the office the lady in the front desk had told him to go to. He hear a faint 'it's open' and proceeded to open the door.

“So, you are Eren, right?” Eren just nodded in response, knowing quite well that this new man had been reading his old files by the sheer amount of papers on his desk.  “Why won’t you come in and take a seat, Eren?”

Eren himself had never understood why repeating his name over and over would create any form of comfort or trust. His name meant nothing; it’s just a word that people identify with him as a person, a sound that he knew he should react to whenever he heard it. Even so, he made his way towards the large leather armchair across from his newly assigned psychiatrist.

He was a lost cause, or so Eren had been told pretty much all of his life. No one really bothered enough to listen to his entire story or do anything much about it, and now he'd grown too scared to share it. He’s been prescribed numerous of random colourful pills to make him feel better. If anything they made it worse. He has been to more psychiatrists, doctors, and behavioural therapists than he can remember, and they all did the same. Never really taking the time to understand him. Probably being turned off by the large amount of files that he came with every time he entered a new office. Adding one extra file for every new person he saw. But the system wouldn’t let him go just yet, he was deemed too young and unstable to decide for himself if he wanted to continue treatment or not. So they would send him to the next place as soon as he got kicked out by the previous one, no matter how far away it was.

This time it wouldn’t be any different, they would have tops five meetings together, maybe just three, then he would be sent off to the next person. There he would have to start all over again. But no one was staying long enough to actually get to the real problem.

It had been silent between the two for a while before Eren’s new psychiatrist moved away from his desk and all his papers and walked towards where Eren sat.

“Excuse my rudeness, I am Levi Ackerman, and I’ll be your new psychiatrist starting today, but please do call me Levi.” He didn’t offer his hand as all the others do, he just simply sat down in the other armchair across from Eren and eyed him carefully. “Would you like to tell me a little about yourself, Eren?”

“What is there to tell? You have read all my files by the looks of it, everything is in there.” 

“Is that what all the others did before me?” Eren just nodded, not knowing where to place his gaze. In the end it fell on Levi. The man was good looking, well built and not really looking the part of a psychiatrist. “Well, you see Eren. I want to hear the story from you, and not from someone else. Start whenever you want, and, as a suggestion, you could start with how you feel right now.” Levi leaned back in his chair, patient.

Eren sighed. He wasn’t used to people even pretending to care anymore, or being this patient with him. The first ones was, but as the files just kept growing the workload overweighed the actual reward, they stopped. Eren thought it over a few times before he decided that he might as well try to open up. Hell, He might get some actual advice if he did.

“I’m feeling lost and empty, constantly.” He paused for a moment, not sure if to continue or not. But there was something with Levi that made him want to tell him everything. “There are all these unpleasant memories clouding my mind as I try to focus on literally anything. Nothing is easy anymore, everything just rips open scars that was never given the time to become completely healed.”

 “When do these memories come back? In what context?” Eren noticed Levi desperately trying to follow, to make sense of whatever he was saying. They all did to begin with, but they all give up in the end.

“I really don’t know what it is that makes me feel this way anymore, just a few words from a person and everything comes flashing back. Tears are are almost always present, no pain comes without tears. If you don’t cry, then you aren’t really in pain. Or so I've been told.” Eren smiled a sad smile. ”You see, real pain makes you feel paralysed and you start crying like there’s nothing good in this world left for you anymore.”

There was no follow up question this time, only silence. But Levi’s expression hadn’t changed one bit, his face remained neutral which made Eren feel a bit uncomfortable. He thought he would get some kind of reaction out of him, instead he got nothing. Several minutes passed with them just looking at each other. Then Levi finally started to speak.

 “It’s hard putting words to it since it’s so personal. A trauma isn’t something you want to think about, ever. Feeling hurt because of the people you love is something no one wants to experience, Eren. But it’s something we all will do, trust me. It can be words or actions, small or big, but they will happen. You don’t know when, you don’t know how, you don’t know why, it just happens.”

Eren was stunned by these words, his jaw hung open disbelief clear in his eyes. Anger he had been suppressing for a long time resurfaced as he stood up and yelled. “What the hell do you know about anything?”

“I know more than I’m comfortable to admit.” These words clearly didn’t calm Eren as he launched himself onto Levi, grabbing him by his collar.

“You don’t know anything. Nothing! You are just like everybody else. Thinking you are smarter than me, thinking you can fix me. Well, you are wrong! No one can fix me!” Tears were streaming down his face as he shook Levi, hitting him against the back of the chair. No signs of resistance or anger were visible in Levi’s face. He was just patiently waiting for this burst of anger to pass.

Eren realised what he was doing and loosened his grip and sat back down on his armchair. Trying desperately to stop his tears from falling by wiping his face over and over with his sleeves.

“Does these outbursts happen often?” Levi asked calmly as he corrected his shirt, trying to stroke out the crinkles Eren had made with his iron grip.

“I’m sorry.” Eren said weakly.

“There is nothing to be sorry for, I accidentally touched upon a sensitive subject of yours. So, I should be the one apologising. And I am truly sorry, Eren.”

Eren looked at his new psychiatrist in shock and disbelief. Did he just apologise for making him mad? But instead of addressing this he decided to answer the question.

“They have become more frequent.” 

“I see. Have you gotten any anti-depressants of any kind from your former psychiatrist?” Eren knew Levi had only asked this out of politeness, and to move slowly into a new subject. If he had read Eren's files he would have known exactly what Eren had been given, and by whom.

“Yes, but I can’t remember the name of them.” That was a lie.

“That’s alright. I advise you to stop taking them as I believe they were wrongfully assigned, given the report in your files.” Levi shifted in his seat to cross his legs. “So tell me Eren, how is school?”

Eren started talking about school and how he’s managing, and how he has a few friends there. Never really getting to deep into anything, just scraping on the surface that is his life. The hour went by quickly enough and the meeting came to a more than welcomed end.

“How about next week, the same time?” Levi suggested. Eren only shrugged as he made his way out of the office. “See you then. Take care, Eren.”

Eren didn’t reply as he closed the door behind him.

He hadn’t talked this much about himself in a long time, and he really hoped this Levi guy wouldn’t dump his ass as soon as they got to the actual problems. To Eren’s past.

**Author's Note:**

> did I just make two very lame cliffhangers in one chapter, so lame that they can barely be called cliffhangers?
> 
> Updates may be a little slow on this one, but I'll try my best!
> 
> also may edit this later when I'm not as tired. high quality indeed.


End file.
